June 13, 2004

L is still for Love

This is what I wrote last year...

Love - A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life; to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable memories at the moment of parting.
George Eliot

His bags are almost packed. There are a bajillion piles of "stuff" all over the living room and I don't want to move any of them lest I lose something he needs for the field.

I hate this part. I hate knowing when he's going to go and preparing for it. This is the kind of morning where I feel like I could use a good cry.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

I woke up this morning to the alarm. It used to be that I only had to use the alarm on Thursdays. Lately...every day. Not because I don't want to oversleep (because I would if the alarm wasn't set at all) but because that means that he won't be home this morning. I don't like the alarm. The alarm means that I have to make my own coffee. The alarm means that the house is too quiet. The alarm means I won't have even a few minutes of time with him in the morning. I miss our coffee conversations.

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and when the time comes, to let go.
Mary Oliver

I think I am going to take Friday off. I know if I don't, I'll torture poor John. I'll try and keep him up half the night, trying to cram four months of conversations into a few short hours. I will probably still do that, but being home all evening will make it a little less painful when we have to go to sleep. I feel bad that I couldn't find a job that has daytime hours. That I feel that I've squandered our family time by working in the evenings. That I've missed months of evenings that could have been spent together. Did I try hard enough? Can I remedy that situation while he is gone?

When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love
Robert Fulghum

That last quote is my favorite. I have it printed and hanging here on my desk. There are days that I think that John and I are both too weird to live with other people. After 17 years together, there isn't much that the other could do to cause surprise. I just "get" him, like he "gets" me. Although I'm not alone when he is gone, his being gone is incredibly lonely. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with our daughter and going out and being girly girls. At the same time though my heart aches without him here. This is the part of military wifehood that I hate the most. The time spent apart. Time spent that we can never earn back.

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I don't think I can top that.

As of today, we're one day short of seven months gone. Seven months since I've seen his face in person. Seven months since I've had one of his big bear hugs. Seven months of making my own coffee (and you would think I'd use the stupid clock timer thingy more, right?) Seven months of his just not being here. Tomorrow is seven months. I don't know for sure when I will see him again. Well, allegedly "for sure" by the end of November, hopefully before then.

I love him. I miss him. I can't wait to jump into his arms when I see him again.

PS - Honey? We need to live someplace warmer! Your mama told me how "frigid" it was in the mornings where she is....and those temps were our HIGH here! I'm ready to move. I just need a screened in porch and central air, OK?

Posted by rowEn at 10:46 AM | Comments (0)