August 28, 2003

Maybe - Alison Krauss

I took some pictures the other day. I don't really know what really struck me or compelled me to take them, I just did. They've been up in the gallery for a few days now with a note that I wasn't quite ready to talk about it all yet.

Yesterday the odds were stacked
In favor of my expectations
Flyin' above the rest
Never fallin' from the nest
Tuesday came and went and now
I'm in a little situation
Maybe it's for the best
I can live alone, I guess

For a bit I was trying to operate under the hopes that he wasn't going to go away. Right about the time that he was coming home from JRTC I was scouring the internet for news on upcoming deployments. I've always felt better about any situation as long as I am as well-informed as I can be. I was starting to ignore the repeated bleats from the command...no deployment, no deployment. He came home and I showed him the briefing pages. I showed him the pages of slides, posted on the internet.

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

There has been that small part of my heart, steeled for this time. The time when I start realizing that my time with him is growing short. My time with him is more valuable than gold. Am I really strong enough to do this for a year? Will he really fly on home?

Forgive me if I'm keeping you
Apart from better conversation
Hung up on all my doubt
Trying to sort the whole thing out
Tell me that I'm smart enough
To deal with all the information
Spinning inside my head
Every word he ever said

There comes a time during pre-deployment when a wife starts to feel like this. We grasp on to every little shred of information coming our way that has the remotest bits of connection with our husband. I skipped the breifing that was held this afternoon. I could have easily called into work and been late but I didn't think I could face seeing all the other wives sharing my boat. I have my oar. I know how to steer my boat. Your tears are only going to fill my boat and slow me down. This seems to be the hard part for me. The flipping and flopping from cold-hearted, capable, super-wife to puddle of frightened goo. I know it has to be done...I'm just not quite sure how I will deal with it some days.

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home

I have the feeling that this song was not written for a woman who is saying goodbye to her husband being deployed. It seems to me that it was written to explain the pain of saying good-bye to a loved one. Possibly a forever good-bye, but a good-bye none the less. This won't be the first time that I have said farewell to John. There have been dozens of reunions to drown out the pain of the time apart. This year will be the longest that I have ever gone without seeing him. While we have spent quite a bit of our seventeen years apart, it has never been for this length of time.

I'm not only mentally prepared...I'm scared shitless.


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Posted by rowEn at 02:14 AM | Comments (2)