July 30, 2003

How do you handle it?

"How do you handle it?"

That is the most commonly asked question of me these days. How do I handle life, knowing that in a few short months my husband will be leaving? How do I handle knowing that I'll have to find a way to be both mother and father to a teenager in the process of forming her own personality? How do I handle the fears and worries and stress?

I honestly don't know right now. How is that for being honest? I will tell you that it is something that is constantly on my mind. What things should I have him show me before he leaves? I need to know how to do all the things that I would normally make him do...like change out the gas tank on the grill, spray for spiders outside the house come fall....and great googly-moogly...who is going to be the designated bug killer in the house??

Will I find a job that allows me more time at home with the WildChild? Will I be able to come up with quick ideas on how to fix something that is broken? Will I be able to do all of the things that he does? Will I be able to walk in two pair of shoes at the same time?

I worry a lot these days. I worry about money and work and love and life. I worry about being strong enough to do this on my own. I worry about my child being strong enough to handle the upcoming fatherless year. I worry about keeping enough patience stored up so that I don't kill anyone. Mostly though, I worry about John. I worry that he'll be safe. I worry and hope that he'll come home, safe and sound.

There are conversations that you must have before your spouse deploys. Depressing conversations that you would rather wait to have until you are, say, 90. Conversations about wills and insurance. Conversations about death. Conversations that, quite frankly, scare the shit out of me. Aren't I supposed to be done with this? He's done his time, right? I shouldn't be worrying or thinking about these things at his 21 year mark. These are supposed to be the days of wine and roses, not the days of bottled water and sand. What happened?

How am I handling things? One day...one hour...and, sometimes, one minute at a time.

Posted by rowEn at 01:36 PM | Comments (3)