July 22, 2003

21 - ...and I meet him.

Um wow, what a day! Yet and I sat around in our PJs this morning, drinking coffee and just talking. Before we knew it, almost two hours had gone by. I finally went upstairs and took a shower. I was looking for her when I got out and she was down by the computer. The phone rang. Yes, it was Chris! I think she freaked out more than I did. He apologized for being busy all weekend and said that he could come over to her house. I put her on the phone with him so that she could give him directions to her house. We got off the phone and just stood there staring at each other. Holy shit...he is on his way over! We ran around, me drying my hair, her changing her clothes. I swear I smoked like three cigarettes in just a few minutes. My hands were shaking so much I finally had to just put them on the table and try to sit still. He called one more time to get the house number. Then she ran upstairs so that I could answer the door.

I walked around the corner and there he was. Chris. Standing there in the doorway. I had no idea what to do. I invited him in the house and asked him to take off his sunglasses. OK, really I think I ordered him to take them off, but whatever, right? He did and then smiled at me. There were those eyes. We sat down in the kitchen and all I could do was stare at him. I mean, looking back at it now, three hours later, I feel like a total dork. I honestly had no idea what I should be saying. I gave him his birthday present and he chuckled at the card. We chatted a little bit about what he's been up to the past week, when he was going back, what is going on when he gets back to school and all. I swear, it was like my head was totally swimming yet devoid of any coherent thoughts. I didn't cry, I smiled a lot. I wanted to just grab his hand to make sure it was all real. I didn't though, lest he think that I'm a total freak or something.

He is wonderful. Completely personable and well spoken. Beautiful smile. Yvette said, after he left..."Shell, he's just perfect!" And he is, ya'll. Just perfect. Of course, I was a total dork but hopefully the next time I see him I can come up with more than short sentences.

I know he's "real" if that makes sense. He was there, sitting across from me at the table, talking and smiling at me. We stepped outside and Yet took a picture of the two of us. Again, I was all reserved...I wanted to put my arm around him or something but was just sort of frozen in place. I did get a big hug before he left, and did the whole lecture about driving safe on his way back to school. He sort of smiled and asked me why I would worry. I reminded him of the phone call we had on his way home and how he told me how fast he'd driven at certain times. He laughed!

I don't know what the relationship is supposed to be like. As I said while sitting at the table...there is no book to tell me what to do, what to say, how to act. Am I allowed to act a bit parental and worry about him as he is driving across the US? Because I do...so that better be OK. I love hearing from him. Anyone can tell you that. I like talking to him about even the stupid things because it is the beginning of a history. Something ot talk about. Something to say "remember when..." years from now. Like "Remember when I was such a freak when you came to my sister's house that first time?" That should make for a funny memory...someday. Right now though, I fluctuate from feeling like I am interfering in his life somehow or that I'm being pushy. I don't want to be pushy. I know that having this journal would seem like I am quite outgoing or something, but really, I am quite reserved in person. I haven't cried yet today. I know I will, but it won't be until I get home to my "safe" surroundings. I didn't want to cry in front of Yet or neither of us would have ever stopped. I think we were both just too stunned after he left. Hell, *I* am still in shock that it finally happened.

I finally got to say Hello.

(the following was added this morning)

I am still grinning from ear to ear every time I realize that I've met him. I look at the picture that I took of him sitting across from me. I took that. I was sitting right there. He was sitting right there. WE were sitting right there, at the same table. A little over an hour. That is how long we were together. Waiting 21 years and ya know what? It was so worth it. It was worth all the tears over the years. It was worth all the wondering and thinking and doubt.

I know that eventually I will be able to NOT act like some kind of idiot when I see him. I don't know that I'll ever stop worrying that I'm doing something horribly wrong. Something that would make him disappear from my life again. I am the queen of being all reserved and shy, shutting out the most extreme so that I can at least function. I was worried that I would make him feel like he was on display or something when in reality, I'd have just been more than happy to sit and just stare at him until my head cleared enough. Thank goodness I don't act like that when we talk on the computer. Well, not all the time anyway. Anyway....it's done. I met him. I hope to see him again whenever I can. I hope that I luck out and he gets sent up here. I can't even imagine being able to invite him over for dinner or meeting for coffee or something.

I'm still reeling, 24 hours later. I still think he's perfect. I still hope I'm doing everything "right"....whatever that is.

Posted by rowEn at 10:28 AM | Comments (5)

7.20.2003 - Hamster balls...

I have to write this out before I forget...

So Yet and I were outside last night talking until pretty late. I think it was getting close to midnight or something when we decided to put out the torches and go inside to bed. I went downstairs to check email one last time before going to bed. I was sitting there just finishing up when she came in and scared the bejebus out of me! We'd been talking about dead people and such outside, and wouldn't you know it, one of the hamsters was dead! Oh wait, it gets so much better!

She went upstairs and told Dan, who camed down and took the dead hamster out of the cage. He went and cleaned out the wheel and such and then put the cage back together. Yet and I were sitting there looking at the two remaining hamsters and she said something about their butts. You know when someone talks about something like that you just HAVE to look, right? So I look at the little hamster butts and there are these...things sticking out. Now, I don't know if you've ever SEEN hamster balls, but I haven't. I swear they looked like some abnormal growth or something. Yet got all worried and Dan was nice enough to come over and take one of the hamsters out of the cage. He flipped it on his back and rubbed his belly a little bit. "Look honey, there is his little penis...it is a boy, there is nothing wrong with this hamster."

Yes, my brother-in-law can turn on a hamster.

Yet didn't believe us so we told her to go online and find information. She was looking for general things like "hamsters" and "hamster care". I finally went over, pushed her out of the way and did a search for "hamster testicles" and there it was....a forum posting about hamster balls. I pulled it up for her and showed her that someone else had the same concerns. Giant hamster balls. The person answering had stated quite honestly that hamsters have some pretty big balls and that there was nothing wrong with the poor hamster.

Who'd have thought that a hamster would be hung like a porn star?

Posted by rowEn at 09:51 AM | Comments (3)

7.20.2003 - at Yet's house, 8:00pm Eastern

No word from Chris. I won't lie...I cried myself to sleep last night. Why? Why hasn't he called or at least answered my emails? Yvette has been so sweet. Keeping me busy all the time and making sure that I'm not just sitting there "waiting" so to speak. She and Dan had a party last night. I had a few drinks but no where near what it would have taken to make me forget why I was really in Columbus. It was nice seeing her with Dan. Totally different person than I remember her being, and yes, that would be a good thing. It is weird...associating her with the memories of our childhood when in reality, she really is a completely different person. She isn't the same sister that used to beat me up ;)

So I'm sitting here....waiting. I have checked email a few times. I won't call him. I don't know, I just feel like calling would have been a big push, ya know? The last thing I want to do is push him into something that he either doesn't want or isn't ready for. I would feel ten times worse than I would feel if I don't see or hear from him at all this weekend. I did upload a bunch of pictures that I took this afternoon. Yvette pulled out all of the pictures that she has. We went through them and I took a lot of pictures of pictures. So keep that in mind when you see how blurry some of them are. I ended up having to burn them on CD and then upload them from her computer. I so need broadband, that is about all I can say about that! I uploaded all of the pictures (42?) in about the time it would have taken me to upload three from dial-up. So sad for me! I am going to go back upstairs and talk with Yet and Dan some more. I think the sun has gone down enough for me to sit back out on the deck again.

Posted by rowEn at 09:46 AM | Comments (2)

7.19.2003 - at the hotel, 7:09am Eastern

Yes, it feels like 4am here. I got in all right to Columbus. Found my suitcase, which had been mangled by the baggage monkeys. Fuckers broke the top handle off of my suitcase! My PINK suitcase! The lady at the baggage desk didn't even apologize! Sure, OK, y'all don't "cover" that kind of damage, but an apology would have been nice. However, upon looking at the AA webpage, it says that any claims should be made at the airport. How nice of the woman to just dismiss me and state that they don't cover that stuff. She probably just didn't want to fill out the paperwork. A phone call will be made, trust me.

Anyway, I got to the Budget desk and finally got my car. Great deal for three days and I got an Intrepid. Feels kinda weird to be driving something so big, but it is a nice car. As I was trying to navigate my way out of the airport (and having no damn idea where the hell I was going) my cell rings. I frantically try and find it in my purse, dumping it on the floor eventually as I yank the phone out. It is F letting me know that he's stuck somewhere and will see me in the morning. He is also nice enough to stay on the phone with me as I ask which way I'm supposed to be going and all. I get going on the correct freeway, in the right direction even and find my exit. Get to the hotel and park out in BFE. I check in and find my room. It is hot. Way hot. I turn on the AC and it groans for a few minutes, hisses at me finally and goes quiet. This doesn't sound good. I take off all my clothes. It is still hot. Realize that I can't quite go down to the desk in a bra and panties so I pull on some wrinkled shorts and a t-shirt. I also decide that if I don't find something for my headache, the housekeeping people will find me with an exploded head in the morning.

I rummage though my purse, cursing the memory of pulling the small bottle of Aleve out of it that morning and putting it on the desk. There is not, however, the accomanying memory of putting said bottle back IN the purse. I find a blister pack of Midol and sing the praises of having a messy purse. Chug down three glasses of water with the Midol and tromp on down to the desk. I let the poor desk clerk know that the AC isn't working in my room. I tell him of the groaning and hissing and lack of any actual air coming from the unit. I also have him break a $50 bill, since I don't think that most fast food places will be willing to accept said bill after midnight. He says he can change my room. I say we can do it after I find something to eat. Taco Bell seems the lesser of all evils and I get some food and a giant diet pepsi. Perhaps the caffiene will help my headache? Please? Pretty Please?

I come back and he has me all set up. New room, here is your new key ma'am and just leave the other ones in the old room once you get your things moved. Thank goodness I didn't fully unpack, huh? I move my things and find out that he's put me in more of a "suite". Well, a "suite" as far as a Holiday Inn Express is concerned. Not bad, more room than the other and two TVs. I get all settled in, fire up the laptop, plug in the phone charger and promptly pass out after eating. I think the combination of water, Midol and caffiene finally worked enough to ensure that I didn't fear my head combusting while sleeping.

I woke up just after 6am in a panic. Why didn't the alarm go off? I get up and use the bathroom, trying to remember what time I'd set the alarm for. Oh. 8am. That might be why I didn't hear anything, huh? I tried to go back to sleep but that didn't work. I finally got up, made some coffee and here we are.

I'm just about ready to go hop in the shower so that I can figure out what I'm going to wear today. Then....I guess I sit and wait.

Posted by rowEn at 09:43 AM | Comments (2)

7.18.2003 - sitting in the airport, 10:20am left coast time

So I'm sitting here, at the airport, no damn wifi card of course. Remind me to buy one of those things, ok?

I've spent all morning thinking about Chris and what is going to happen this weekend. After not getting a return email from him I don't know what to think or how to gauge where he's coming from. I talked about it last night with John and explained where I was coming from and all of the things that were running through my head. He thinks that he's just being a 21yo guy....not quite sure how to act so he just doesn't act at all. I hope that is the case. Really. I have at least an hour before my flight boards, so let's see how much I can write before then. Should make for a nice entry once I get this thing back online, right?

I sat there last night trying to imagine what it will be like to see him for the first time. Will I laugh? Will I cry? Will he be happy to see me?

I remember having those kinds of thoughts for so many years. Imagining some tearful reunion or a reunion filled with laughter and smiles. This time though? I don't know what to think. For a while I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, flying in this weekend. Now? Not so positive. I am horribly afraid that I will say or do just the wrong thing and make him disappear.

So, what I haven't been writing about is the fact that he never answered my last email. I was getting a little antsy with people constantly asking me what my plans were with Chris...and realizing that I had none. What was my plan? To sit in a hotel room and wait for him to call me I guess. OK, so it wans't the best plan I've ever come up with, I admit it. My sister, however, decided that my sitting around doing just that, sitting around, was not good enough this weekend. She insisted (and I relented) that I check out of the hotel on Saturday and go stay with her. It is a sweet gesture and I'll admit that I am more than a little pleased to not have to spend so much time alone, especially without the guarantee that he'll call.

OK, about one hour left and ya know, this isn't a real comfortable typing position. I have the laptop balanced on the arm of a chair and we all know how damned uncomfortable these fucking chairs are, right? I'ma go walk around for a bit. I'll finish this when I get to the hotel and hooked up and calmed down.

Someone pinch me, ok?

Posted by rowEn at 09:38 AM | Comments (1)

what i'm going to say is...

OK....so I did write this past weekend. I, of course, not wanting to say anything wrong, did not post anything since I know Chris occasionally reads. So...I'm not going to backdate anything, but I'll put a little blurb about what date I'm talking about.

Posted by rowEn at 09:29 AM | Comments (4)

entries coming...

I'm exhausted. It is after 3am here. I have so much to post but I'm still reeling from today. I did post some pictures.

He's perfect. I'm a dork, but he's perfect. :)

I met him!

Posted by rowEn at 03:08 AM | Comments (3)