June 17, 2003


Oh hello pain free morning! I woke up this morning and could move. Life is joyous, birds are singing, the sun is shining. I can move! I can walk upright without pain! No pain!

So my trip this weekend. I'll be flying in, staying almost exactly 31 hours and then flying home. This is what you get when you make last minute flight arrangements. I don't see the rock-n-roll hall of fame in this trip. Bummer.

The best thing today? I got a tiara in the mail. I'm wearing it right now. Nothing makes you feel all birthday month princessy like wearing a tiara with your pjs. Have a great day everyone! I'm going to take a nap before school.

Posted by rowEn at 01:07 PM | Comments (0)

you are my friend

OK, so I didn't go to sleep. Typing this might be hard, I've had a few drinks. Not hard to type emotionally, but hard to type out in any coherent manner...

So F. The person that I am going to go meet.

As most of you know (and if you don't, go read the damn archives) I was pregnant when I was 15. I was living with my mom and my step-dad at the time. My mom? She loved F with a passion. She just thought he was the cat's meow. My step-dad? Liked him as well. I feel horrible that I had to have F recount our first meeting. I have flashes of memory here and there, but nothing real concrete to go on. I feel horrible about that, since I've spent most of my adult life suspending any memories of that time.

After my parents quit their jobs and moved us around for a few months, we ended up back in Ohio. I'm 15 and I'm not allowed to see or talk to any of my old friends. Plans had already been made for me to give the child up for adoption. F is the only person that I am allowed to see or talk to. No friends, no girlfriends...just F. He was so sweet to me. Really, more sweet than I probably deserved. He was my link to the outside world for much of the pregnancy. Not that he would talk to my friends or anything, but he would take me out to dinner and remind me that I was not some hideous "thing" to be locked away behind closed doors. I didn't find out until recently that my mother had taken to telling people that he was the father of the child that I was carrying. As much as she wanted that to be the truth, it wasn't.

I loved seeing him. It was like a breath of fresh air when I was allowed to see him. Then, all of a sudden, he stopped coming over. My parents told me it was because he'd found a girlfriend. Twenty years later I found out it was because he has asked their permission to marry me. He had wanted to take care of me and the child that was not his. How do you respond to that. twenty years after the fact? I was told it was because he'd found a "real" girlfriend. He was told that I didn't want to see him anymore. He respected their wishes until I was a senior in high school, when I knew "everything" and he thought he could talk to me. I told him to fuck off. All I felt when seeing him was a white-hot pain. How dare he find a girlfriend and leave me? I never knew.

Flash forward twenty years. I get an email from F. I write a pretty nasy fucking entry about how I hate him. I don't respond in a nice manner. Go forward a few years. Another email. I decide to respond. I'm still bitter. I still have no idea what happened on his end.

We talk. I learn a lot. A. Lot. Like how my parents lied to me during a time when I thought they were being nothing but honest with me. Like how he sat them down and asked them if he could ask me to marry him and be the father to the child I was carrying, even though it wasn't his. Like how he never did have another girlfriend and wondered why I wouldn't see him anymore.

People, this is someone that has offered to interview me for a fabulous job. A job that most people would dream of getting. Why? Because he thinks that I am honest here. That I tell it like it is. That I am willing to go for what I want and get it. That I am smart. That I would be the person for the job just based on what he has read here. That I can't be just shit (like my step-dad made me belive) because I lived through too much of it to be caught up in it.

Yes, he knows that I am happily married. No, he doesn't know much about the first marriage. The one where Jeff beat the shit out of me for not cleaning up after him and his friends after they had a party. He doesn't know all the "bad". He knows about the good, the stuff that I write about here. I alluded to it in an online conversation with him and he said that he didn't want to know the details. This is someone that wishes I never had a bad day to deal with. Someone that wishes my life was just peaches and cream every day. Someone that wishes my parents had reacted differently. That is someone that is my friend.

Posted by rowEn at 01:06 AM | Comments (3)