March 29, 2003

Q is for Quandary

Quandary - A state of uncertainty or perplexity.

I feel bad that I haven't mailed John's box yet. I was going to run it to the post office this morning and then realized that I had a few more ideas of things to put in there (and this idea required running a load of laundry, of course) so I will have to take it on Monday. That is alright though, since I've got another box to mail that day as well.

My uncertainty is this...this journal/blog/website has been linked to as being related somehow to the military (my being a military wife, that is) and some days I feel like I "should" be writing about the war or how we military wives are sitting at home, beating our breast and bemoaning the fact that we are alone. The thing is though, there is so much more happening in my life, especially right now. I have had almost 37 years of life before this...and all of it ties into who I am right now. I am not just a military wife. I'm certainly not sitting at home, patiently waiting for my husband to return.

I am a mother. I struggle each day to remain calm when sometimes all I want to say is "wait until your father gets home!" I can't though, since that doesn't make for very effective punishment. No, I have to find a way to balance being both mother and father right now. I am the final decision maker and sometimes, well, it just sucks.

I am a teacher. The other day in class I taught for another teacher for one hour. It was my class, but we have to totally switch gears for that last hour. Anyway, we were doing a self-assesment quiz. Once I explained everything and handed out the papers, I took the quiz myself. I was pretty surprised to realize that I'm not giving my class 100% eveyr single day. There have been many things these past two weeks that have occupied my mind. While not giving them details, I did apologize to them and said that I would work harder on focusing on THEM while I was at school. The reaction was wonderful, all of the students telling me that they realize where my head "really is" and they understand.

I am a biological mother. I think from my links and cryptic posts, most of you have figured this out. My problem here is that I have so many thoughts and feelings about all of this, yet I don't quite know for sure if I should be putting them here. I need to sit down and have some serious conversations with those involved and find out where everyone stands. Until then, I suppose things will stay just as cryptic as they have been.

I am a budding person-who-is-trying-to-garden. I am impatient with the slowness of gardening right now. I want everything to be beautiful and pretty right now! I need to investigate vinca and find out how well it will grow in rocks. I will continue to curse the idiot who put rocks out along the back of my house. I am still trying to find a nice place for the lilacs (and thank you to everyone that left comments and emailed me about them!) and I still need to feed the roses. I have to keep doing this simply because my little sister called me Martha! :)

I am a sister. I seem to have hurt my older sister's feelings because she felt slighted about something. I wrote some pretty mean things in the heat of anger. I broke one of the first rules of email that I teach my students...Never send email when you are mad. I am trying very hard right now to compose an email to her that both explains my situation and, hopefully, helps her understand exactly where my head is right now. To anyone else that is upset that I am not answering email, don't feel slighted. I'm not even answering family. I am answering one person, and he knows who he is :) I'm getting hundreds of emails a day and really, I love and do read each and every one of them. Unfortunately, time is not a friend, and I read most of them late at night before bed. I simply don't have the time or emotional energy to respond. The letters of support are a wonderful way to end my day and I cherish them.

I am more than just a military wife. I am me, Michelle.

Posted by rowEn at 12:34 PM | Comments (5)