March 10, 2003

J is for lots of things

I honestly can't decide on what J word to use today. So many seem appropriate.

Journal - A personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis; a diary.

I've been keeping this journal since September 2000. It has been through many incarnations but always kept the same name. I have written about horrible things and funny things. I've written about my mom, my brother and even had my little sister write an entry about her vacation. It has been a long, strange trip so far but I've loved every minute of it. No, I don't plan to stop any time soon.

Job - A regular activity performed in exchange for payment, especially as one's trade, occupation, or profession. A position in which one is employed.

I have a job so much of the time is spent feeling guilty for looking for another. I honestly love my job to bits...I just hate the hours. I really only hate the hours while John is gone because I feel like The Worst Mother In The World (said with a loud voice and trailing echos....for effect) for the WildChild being alone too many hours in the day. Anyway, job. I've been looking for a daytime job for quite a while. I did get some good news this weekend though...I passed the test I took back in February (yay! I'm not stupid!) so I have to fill out some more paperwork and then keep my fingers crossed that a job opens up. You can keep your fingers crossed for me too, ok? Did I tell you my dirty little job fantasy? I would love to work in downtown Seattle. Why? So that I could take the train to work. For some reason I am just in love with that idea. No, I have no idea where it comes from.

Journey - The act of traveling from one place to another; a trip. A process or course likened to traveling; a passage.

I think as we get older we tend to reflect back on things, thinking about how we got to where we are now. We spend our lives saying things like "when I get..." and "when .... happens, I'll..." and we are so focused on the end of the journey that we forget to enjoy the journey itself.

I spent a lot of time waiting for the journey to end. For a specific date or time. A specific milestone or stopping point. I had it all wrong. I was so focused on the end that I wasn't enjoying anything in the middle. Life really IS a journey. The end comes when the end comes and not enjoying it now makes for many regrets in the future. I want to know that I at least tried the things I wanted to try and did at least some of the things I wanted to do.

When I know John is leaving I have to work very hard not to focus on the return date (if we have one). I need to enjoy the 'here and now', not the 'then and next week/month/year.' It is easier to focus on that when I tell myself that I've done X number of days instead of X number of days to go. I will always look forward to the day I get to go pick him up, tired and dirty and smelly; pop a lifesaver in his mouth and then give him a welcome home kiss. (Trust me, the lifesaver thing is required, ok?)

There are a lot of J words that I didn't pick. June (my birthday month) Jaded (I would have told you how jaded the cats are now that they are world travelers) Jargon (military speak...sometimes you never quite figure some things out)

This has been an Alpha Bytes entry.

Posted by rowEn at 09:38 AM | Comments (2204)