October 31, 2002

Old Memories

Do you ever have a memory that just keeps coming back to you? I can't figure out why I keep remembering a certain day...

I was about seventeen. We were living in an apartment in Ohio, my parents and I. It was close to Christmas time, so probably getting close to being mid-late December? Anyway, it was a school day. I lived close enough that I could walk to school. It was an overcast day, looking like it was going to snow.

I don't remember actually being AT school. I come into the memory about half-way home on my walk. We'd been let out of school early because it was snowing so hard. Being the cool seventeen year old that I was, I wasn't wearing a coat or hat. I can tell you my outfit...army fatigue pants, a white turtleneck under one of my father's blue pullover sweaters. (I loved wearing that sweater! I eventually kept it and wore it until it fell apart) I also had on my duck shoes....remember those shoes from the 80's? Rubber shoes with fur lining? Loved those damn things. Ugly as hell but man, they kept your feet warm and dry! I probably had on a scarf, since I seem to recall scarves being cool (just not coats and hats).

Anyway, I remember walking home from school, being happy that it was snowing and that school was closed. I got home and my Mom was home. She'd left work early because of the snow. She felt bad that I didn't call her to come pick me up. We had hot chocolate with marshmallows and baked cookies and listened to Christmas music all afternoon and evening. It was a perfect afternoon, just me and Mom, some good music (we usually listened to the oldies station...or Elvis), hot chocolate and lots of cookies.

Is it guilt that makes me remember? I really hated my Mom when I decided to "run away" at the age of 23. I didn't like the person that she had become and how she treated me and my brother. Life was so much better when we were poor, living in the little apartment, no money to even buy a Christmas tree.

By the time I saw my mother again, two years later, she was in the hospital dying from cancer. The hate was gone but the good feelings didn't return to replace the bile that had been there so long. It was almost as if she wasn't really my "mom"...the mom I remembered. The mom I had fun with. The mom that was silly and fun and did crazy things with me.

I miss her now, and the good times are slowly replacing the bad memories.

Posted by rowEn at 11:27 AM | Comments (4151)