October 10, 2002


Well, it looks like I might actually have MT set up properly now. My head hurts and I still haven't walked on the treadmill yet today. What I'll do is post something I wrote last night but never put up...

So....I was doing so well last year with the losing weight thing. I was eating well, exercising five times a week and lifting weights. Then I got busy and lazy and fell off the low carb wagon. Over the past year, I haven't gained the weight back but I haven't lost any more either. I'm feeling motivated again, feeling like I am both physically and mentally ready to lose more weight.

I was disappointed in myself for not losing more weight before going to JournalCon. Being the naturally shy person that I am anyway, meeting new people when I'm not that confident about my body just makes things harder. As it is, I practically have to force myself to speak to strangers. Hard to believe, I know. The thing is, so many good things have come from forcing myself to speak up that I don't have the rationale to NOT do it any more. Being shy and less than confident though, well, it makes me feel all paranoid. What if they are laughing at me behind my back? What if they are thinking horrible things about me while smiling to my face? I think it was those feelings that finally forced me up to the room to take a nap and relax on Saturday afternoon. I felt like some mooshy-gooshy fangirl being around so many people that I have read. What could *I* have to offer a conversation? I hate being shy, I really do. I know that the more weight I gained over the years, the more shy I became. I am hoping that my mind will work that in reverse with the weight I am losing. Confidence goes a long way in stomping out the self-negating thoughts that creep into my head. Exercise releases the "feel good" chemicals in the brain...I know this yet I have to force myself back on the treadmill. Lifting weights makes me stronger and have more stamina yet I don't lift.

I'm making a promise to myself. I will get healthy; I will lose weight; I will become stronger...I will become a better "me". I can't allow myself to wallow in the self-doubt and pity. I want to become more emotionally invincible (or at least be able to deflect the bullets directed towards my ego). I want to be the light, the sparkle, the life of the party, the magnet in the middle of the room, the one you envy and then emulate. I want to be those things, all of them. And I will be.

Posted by rowEn at 02:12 PM | Comments (1)