September 19, 2001

What is your security clearance again?

feel guilty for being pissed off. I feel guilty that I CAN feel pissed off. I heard a comment on the radio, someone speaking in New York about trying to reach their apartment and needing to show ID. My first thought was "yeah, well I doubt you have to wait four hours and have your car searched for bombs". Then, of course, I was mortified with myself for having such a thought. People are in a city that resembles a war zone and I'm bitching about having to wait in long ass lines.

Right now I have all kinds of conflicting thoughts going through my head, some of which make me think I sound silly as hell. Like, should I tell you all of the things that I've discussed with my husband, or should those things be technically considered "security issues" and therefore, not discussed in a public online journal that Joe Terrorist can read. Should I even be discussing the problems getting on base or does that give away too much information about the force protection level here? We won't even get into the Air Force base issues. If certain things happen here, should I be talking/writing about them? The only person that I know for sure who doesn't think I sound ridiculous is my little sister, and only because her husband is in the military as well. How silly do I think I sound thinking "gee, the only people that really know what the fuck I'm talking about are other military people"....

I wish life would just go back to normal. No long lines to get on base, no more random ID checks all over base. No more long lines in the stores and empty shelves if you get there too late in the day. No more scary rumors floating around both bases, wondering what is going to happen next and which rumors are actually true. No more scary orders that you are to go straight to work and then back home, no stops for dining out or shopping. No shopping downtown at all actually, as well as no drinking or eating out. Random checks for ID if you are caught downtown. I have no idea when all of this is going to end, and I wish that I could take everyone's advice and just "get on with the normal things in your life". The problem is, nothing here is normal, and I don't see it returning to normal for a long ass time.

I have so many more things that I would love to discuss, things that are bothering me, things that scare me, things that are in my thoughts much of the day. Unfortunately, those are the very things that I shouldn't be discussing. I talk about them with John, and even then, I get conflicting answers from him. I'm tired, just mentally tired of all of this already. I want to go home, but then I think about my jobs here, and I would have to find a job there in the States, live without my truck and all my stuff. It isn't worth it right now to just pack our clothes and leave. When I go, I want the option of taking my things with me. If that means hanging out here for another nine months, then so be it I suppose. I don't have to like it though.

Posted by rowEn at 01:39 PM | Comments (0)