September 13, 2001

Aftermath

It is a small comfort to think that the dates on my entries are a day off from everyone else who is writing about this horrific incident. Just by virtue of time zones I am padded slightly from the actual date. It occurred to me this morning to use the word 'aftermath' for a title. The online name that I use everywhere is 'rowen' which means aftermath. Etymology: Middle English rowein, from (assumed) Old North French rewain; akin to Old French rega´n aftermath, from re- + ga´n aftermath, of Germanic origin; akin to Old High German weida pasture, weidanOn to hunt for food
If you then looked up the word aftermath, it connected rowen with re-growth, a second-growth crop. That makes me feel a little better. At some point, rebuilding must occur. Healing must start at some point....right?



My sister emailed me this morning. She said that her husband went back to work this morning, shaken to see the lists of people that are missing. To know so many on those lists must be ripping their hearts out. I keep thanking whatever higher power had him away from the Pentagon that morning. I can't even begin to imagine what could have happened had he been at work.



I would like to see something else on TV, anything but news coverage. I almost feel powerless against the actual television. I need to be busy, doing something else with my brain. I wasn't allowed to go to work yesterday, as I'm not listed as "essential personnel" and therefore, would not be allowed on base. Schools here were closed yesterday. Schools are closed again today, Thursday. John just called me and told me that I can go on base at Camp Humphreys but that if we go on base on Osan, they won't let us back off to go home. I'm supposed to go teach a class this afternoon and still haven't decided if I will or not. I don't WANT to feel helpless. I don't WANT to feel like I'm being held hostage in my home or on a base.



I'm going to go now. We're going to go on base, go to work...find something to keep me busy even if it's only for a few hours. I can't continue to sit here and watch TV. Others have written that keeping busy, even doing mindless work, has helped to ease some of the pain of the past few days. I have to have some faith that it will do the same for me. I don't want to answer questions any more, I don't want to imagine what was going through the minds of those that died. I haven't reached the point of being angry yet...and I don't know why. I'm sad, and scared and utterly heartbroken...but I'm not angry yet. Perhaps because my mind still can't find it's way through the sadness, the empathy my heart is feeling for those that died, as well as their families. I just want to go hug my child, hold my husband and hide away from the news and the rest of the world, if only for a little while.

Posted by rowEn at 01:35 PM | Comments (2347)