July 06, 2001


I'd like to address some people. See, we went to the movies tonight. What did we see? Tomb Raider. We all liked it, it wasn't like we were expecting a big plot line or anything. For special effects and such though, it was OK. Now, being in the military, living overseas, we go see movies on base. Obviously we are a little behind the power curve if we're just now getting Tomb Raider. (And on a side note, do you KNOW how fucking HARD it is for people to understand that I do NOT want to hear about AI? Don't tell me! I can't go see it for another two weeks!) Anyway, on with the letters...

Dear Asshole Sitting In Front Of Me,
I understand that I didn't pay that much to see this movie. $3.50 to be exact, just like you. I decided to lean to my right when you sat upright in your seat. I thought it was very nice of you to glance around behind you and notice that I could actually SEE the movie. How gallant of you to also lean to the right in case I was lonely in my leaningness. You really took the cake when you thought that it would be a bitchin' idea to sit with your hands clasped behind your head with your elbows straight out. Really, nobody for three rows behind you wanted to see that part of the movie anyway. Your look of disdain when I quietly said "Excuse me!" was priceless. I relish the times when people roll their eyes at me. Once Ms. Croft was in her pajamas, you got a little antsy in your seat. I can only assume that you have a fetish for Cirque Du Soleil (Thanks Anna!) performers, because I came to the conclusion that you had a hard on and were getting uncomfortable sitting in your seat. Leaning back and half standing in your seat...smooth move. Nobody in the 20 rows behind you would have guessed what was wrong with you. You concealed it wonderfully. I was almost prepared to lean forward at one point and check to make sure you hadn't freed your penis from it's prison when you suddenly calmed down. Yes, YOU were the reason that I moved one seat over to my right. You creeped me out, and that just shouldn't happen in a military movie theater.

Icked outedly yours,

Dear 12-yo Acting Boys Sitting Behind Me,
You guys are soooooo lucky that my child was sitting down in the front row with the real 12-yo kids. If she had been sitting with me, I would have had to stand up and kick your asses. Why? Because from the time the movie started, all I heard were whispered comments about Ms. Jolie's body. Now, yes, I will agree that Ms. Jolie could fuel the wet dream of most men and women, and yes, she did look pretty spankin' hot. But....I prefer to keep those thoughts in my head. I would also prefer that you keep those thoughts in your own head. The snickering and whispering whenever she broke into a run was really uncalled for. Really, they call it an Inner Voice for a reason....KEEP IT THERE!

Looking for the paddle,

Dear Person Who Couldn't Wait In Line To Get Popcorn With The Rest Of Us, Now, I understand the reasoning behind your move. You didn't want to wait in a long-ass line of people wanting popcorn and snacks. You went into the theater and staked out your seat. Good idea. But, you could have gotten up earlier than when the lights were turned out before going to get your popcorn. As it was, you waited until right when my husband and I got situated and all before you decided to make your move. Yes, I did forget that I had tucked the napkins into the bottom of the leg of my shorts. That was why they were all over the floor when you walked by. You get mad props and made up for your lack of foresight by bringing me back new napkins when you returned with your snacks. Thank you, really.


Now you can see why I don't go to the movies much. I'd prefer a nice quiet movie theater, preferably me being the only person in it.

Posted by rowEn at 12:57 PM | Comments (1188)