March 15, 2001

The Fat Lady Sings

So....a whole month and no writing. An unannounced hiatus of sorts. Left. Didn't leave a forwarding address...all that stuff. I'm back but I'm not making any promises on regularity. I will promise to at least email the notify list once a week, mainly to let my sisters know that I am still alive and kickin' it.

It's been a good month people. Really. I've been offered the upstairs job, making a dollar an hour more than the measly pittance I'm making now. I think that raises me up to "white trash" now or something. (Uhh, if you happen to work with me, really, I'm THRILLED with the job, I'm just greedy!) I've been going to the gym on a more regular basis, 4X each week now. My goal, for now, is at least 30 minutes walking/ellipticizing or at least 2 miles. As much as I hate it, it's helping. I've lost 40 pounds people. I'm almost a new me, but not quite. I've been on a few message boards dealing with my way of eating, as well as my usual haunts. As usual, I'll start this off with: IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH MY DIET, DON'T FUCKING EMAIL ME ABOUT IT! There, that felt good. After the first few weeks, I got more than my fill of "you are killing yourself!" "you'll need a kidney transplant within 6 months!" "you'll just gain the weight back when you go back to eating like you were" (well fucking DUH! isn't that what made me GAIN the weight??)

I don't eat carbs...or rather, I eat very little carbs. Yup, it is my own personal version of Atkins. I'm happy, my skin glows, my nails are stronger, I have more energy than if I were taking speed, I sleep better, I'm more mentally alert. Oh, and I lose weight!

I've been thinking about WHY I'm so motivated now. Why is it so important to me this time? Why am I doing so well on this go? What are some of the changes in myself that I've noticed? I don't have all the answers. What I would like to talk about it how fat people are treated.

My size has nothing to do with my intelligence. I didn't lose brain cells when I gained weight. I am fully capable of holding a conversation on a myriad of subjects. When you talk to the skinny person next to me and ignore me or give me dirty looks, I notice. I notice and it hurts. When you question what I've ordered to eat or glance at what is in my grocery cart and then give that "tsk tsk" look, I notice. I notice and it hurts. When you stare at me, that hurts as well. I don't like being like this, which is why I'm doing something about it. When you glare at me because I've been on the treadmill for 45 minutes and you're waiting, don't do the heavy sigh with the look on your face that says "get off that damned thing you cow, let someone REALLY workout!", I notice and it hurts.

Have you ever noticed that fat people are usually treated poorly? We let it happen you know, mainly because we're scared of hearing the insults "FAT! COW! HEIFER! SLOB! PIG! PORKER!" I know I'm larger than the average woman. I don't need to be reminded, really. I see it each morning when I get out of the shower. I see it each night when I get ready for bed. I KNOW! It is amazing the dirty looks I can get just being at the gym. Where would they have me workout? At home, alone, so that I don't show anyone what I look like? Perhaps they can make a "fat" section and we can workout in peace. Then there would be no more heavy sighs or dirty looks or sideways glances.

I'm just tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of the "fat lady" clothes. Tired of feeling like I can't have fun because of my size. Tired of feeling like I can't learn new things because of my size. Tired of having no energy. Tired of being treated differently. Tired of feeling like I have to try harder because I'm not a cute size 6. Tired of being talked to like I'm stupid. Tired of not being talked to at all. Tired of feeling like I have to hide my size behind huge clothing that doesn't touch my body (aka Ashram's Tent & Clothing etc etc). Tired of snoring like some sailor. Tired of not sleeping well. Tired of only wanting it dark during sex. Tired of feeling like my child is embarrassed of me (note: I don't think she is, but she's very encouraging on my diet!). Tired of people only complimenting my eyes or my face. Tired of feeling like everyone is thinking...."she'd be so pretty if she'd only lose weight". Tired of not having collar bones or that nice indentation at the bottom of my neck (which is slowly making it's grand reappearance!). Tired of not being able to walk into any store and know that I can find something in my size and not look like a stuffed sausage. I'm just tired.

To totally change the subject....for those of you that have emailed me and not gotten a response, I'm sorry. Until last week, I didn't realize that my email settings were totally wrong and I seem to have been sending my replies into the great CyberVoid. It's fixed and I'm sorry. I'll try to do better! To everyone else, if you'd like to know when I update, join the notify list on the main page. It doesn't hurt, I don't send spam, I don't sell your email addresses to anyone or anything. I just occasionally write. When I'm not at the gym keeping the size 2s who think they are cows from working out that is!

Posted by rowEn at 12:07 PM | Comments (1209)