September 26, 2000


The title to this page is a joke. A joke that someone played on me years ago and proved that I am not the clever little person I thought I was. Now, about 5 years ago or so, a popular IRC exclamation of happiness was "woo woo!" Cute, no? 5 years ago I was also hot shit because I had a pager. Not only did I have a pager, I had a clear plastic pager, so I was in the upper echelons of coolness. Yeah, I see you writing all this down in your "How to be cool like Michelle" notebooks. So it's the 4th of July, and we are at some large park in Seattle preparing to watch fireworks. My pager goes off. It reads "300-300" Huh? What the fuck is that all about? Who is the dipshit that forgot the last number? And what kind of freakin' phone number is that anyway? Then, and this is to prove that I have the world's most intelligent friends, someone says "Hey, maybe it's one of those new cell phones that only have 6 numbers!" OK, yes, it's true, I wasn't hanging around with them for the startling brain power. I get home late that evening, and my friend T. is online. He asks if I got his page. I'm all about the "you did NOT page me, I know your number dude!" and just really digging myself deeper into the IdiotHole.

"Michelle, put the number back up on the pager."

"OK, done"

"Now look at it sideways."

"Uh, says 0-0-3 - 0-0-3"

"Michelle, turn it on the other side you twit."

*silence on my end*

"Michelle, READ it, not numbers, what does it LOOK like?"

*lights coming on allllll over the world* "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH, it says 'WOO-WOO'!"

I never said I was good at this, really!

Oh yeah, there was a point to telling you that besides making myself look like I should be wearing a drool-bib. I got my first three fan-e-mails! Not to be confused with fanny-mail, where people send me complaints about my ass. A few twisted and demented souls out there made my month by telling me they liked what I had to say. (Really, I mean the 'twisted' and 'demented' part in a good way, I swear! I love ya baby! You are all now my new bestest friends even! Here, have a piece of chocolate!) Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

The cats are mocking me, I'm sure of it. I hear the peals of KittyLaughter when I turn my back on them. Right this minute they are in the other room, trying to figure out how to make popcorn. Why? Because they'd like a snack during the floor show today. Of course, sitting here in a t-shirt and flannel pants, I'm not so motivated to put the SportsBraOfDeath on my body. I'd rather just sit here and be loose and jiggly for a little while longer. That also means that I'll sit here and try to think of something else to write about that won't make me look as pitiful and full of suckage like yesterday. Pay no mind to the smoke coming out of my ears. Stop looking at me like that! I WILL put that evil DVD back on today, I swear! Fine, I'll upload this and go pretend to like the Billy and the Skinny Girls ok? And uh, I'll roll up the rug. That sure was some good advice I read somewhere.

09.26.2000 (later)

I'm sad to report that there will be no tales of suckage today. I will not allow Billy and the Thins to beat me up this afternoon. OK, I'm not really sad to report that, but it sounds better.

This is why. Go ahead, go look, it's just a picture, I swear. All done? Good. Now, what did you see? No, I didn't make the shelving system fall over or anything, look beyond that. Yes, I did notice that it looks like smoke coming from the litter box, and no, I have no idea what that is. Go beyond. Uh huh. There's other apartments aren't there? Now, I live on the 11th floor. So that means pretty much anyone from say, the 10th through the 12th floors can see in my windows at any given time. We have privacy glass in the bedroom and the computer room and the game room, but not in the living room. Now, look again, go ahead. Can YOU see into their apartments? No? Me neither, not even with binoculars. (Not saying I've done that, oh no!) But, as your mother always told you...YOU NEVER KNOW! (Gee, thanks Mom!)

So after having a little chat with the cats and bribing their silence with catnip, I put on the SportsBraOfDeath and rolled up the rug of shame. Then I walked over to put in the DVD and looked up. OH MY GOD!! WHAT IF SOMEONE WAS WATCHING ME YESTERDAY???? Yes, that's exactly how it sounded in my head, too. Well that just put an end to it right then and there. Good thing, too, because at that moment, the HusbandWhoLaughedAtMeYesterday came walking into the apartment. I'm glad I hadn't started because he'd have run screaming from the apartment into the arms of the nearest divorce lawyer yammering something about visual abuse. Or something like that. Or he would have laughed at me again! (OK, really, you don't need to email me about it, he's supportive and all that, I just don't want him to get injured by flying boobs or something.) I confided my fears to him in the most solemn of manners. Really, he tried to keep a straight face and I applaud him for that. While holding back the giggles, he said that we could go to the PX or downtown and check out some blinds of some sort so I can do the ExercisesOfShame in private.

Gushy moment of the day? A dear friend from Seattle emailing me and telling me she appreciated getting to know this side of me. And I quote: "I cried, I laughed I realized that even tho you don't think you are a grown indeed are. Its takes a grown up to realize they still want to be a kid. I am really proud of you! keep up the good work." (pause) Yes, that was the point where I burst into tears. Sorry I haven't answered V, you overwhelmed me and made me have a SallyFuckingField moment of "You like really like me!" Well ok, I knew she liked me before, but it is always nice when someone you trust muchly tells you something good about yourself. Especially when you can't even get a job interview because they say you aren't qualified enough to be a School Bus Schedule Coordinator. I think they even told me that nobody liked me and that they would be kicking my ass on the playground at recess, too. Really, I have the rejection letter around here somewhere...

Posted by rowEn at 12:04 PM | Comments (2263)