September 25, 2000

That bitch!

Man, me and Job-Karma, we just aren't on speaking terms. I don't know what I ever did to that bitch to make her act to nasty to me. Have I not maintained and revised my resume properly? Did that 37th spell-check miss something important? Is it my breath?

So John calls me this morning. He wants to know where my resume is. One of the contractors he works with is hiring a secretary. I haven't had coffee yet, so I can't even spell resume let alone try and search for it on the computer. In the 10 minutes I wasted trying to find it, he's chatting away on the phone. I'm trying not to be distracted. He finds it on his computer and emails it to me to "check it over". I make the appropriate changes, add the cell phone number on there, and mail it back. I check email 457 times. Nothing. He calls me and informs me I got my hopes up for nothing.

"Honey, how soon do you think you could become bi-lingual in Korean?"

"Well I could pencil in the 12th of fucking never as a possibility, why?" (I am so all about sweetness in the morning)

"Oh"

"Oh? What the hell is 'oh' and why did you ask me such a silly question?"

"Well the GuyWhoWon'tHireYouNow is really looking for someone who can speak Korean as well as english."

"Oh."

So there you have it, no new job for Michelle today. It's karma kicking me in the head, nothing more. If I were better motivated, I'd put in the TaeBo DVD and kick back. But see, I'm NOT motivated. I'm not motivated because I had the best breakfast in the world, comprised entirely from the Biscuits & Gravy food group, and now I'm in a food induced coma of happiness.

In anticipation of a possible job interview, and because I was bored and have no life, I plucked my eyebrows. Can you just all wince and say ouch for me please? I would but to squint really hurts so I'm going to be having the "afternoon of no facial expressions" or something like that. Now, there is a reason that I don't get them waxed. Besides the fact that I'm poor and don't feel right asking for money to make my eyes more glamorous, I just can't do it and drive myself home. You have seen, I'm sure, pictures of geisha, with the white face and the red eye shadow that is way exaggerated correct? Visions of Madame Butterfly flash through my head and across my face when I look in the mirror after a 5 minute waxing/torture/beautification treatment. I can't drive myself home because I'm too busy trying to cover my face with my hands and wondering if an abeyya is proper attire for some recovering-Catholic white girl. It's the only time I wish I had bangs. At least doing it myself, I can hide in the apartment and slather aloe gel on my eyebrows for that lovely beeswaxed look which is so hip and happening these days. I swear, if I had already taken a shower today I'd fire up the webcam and show you how pretty they are. Really. It's all about the Love people. So now the question is, do I wrestle my way into the sports bra from hell and attempt to pound my way through the floor to my downstairs neighbor's apartment while trying TaeBo, or do I skip the funstuffs and hope that shower aerobics are enough to keep my heart going one more nanosecond. I'll let you know later, assuming that the cats haven't learned to dial 911 and call the exercise police on my ass.

09.25.2000 (later)

So listening to various people on the web, and TheHusbandWhoIsAlwaysInShape, I thought that I could do just fine with Mr. Banks. I was wrong. Oh. So. Very. Fucking. Wrong. The instructional portion just got done not only kicking my ass, but humiliating me in front of the cats. I suck. I suck like nobody has ever sucked before. I should be forced to do Sweatin' To The Oldies because of how much I suck. I amused the cats, who sat there with smirks on their little cat faces, and I'm sure I wasn't hallucinating when I saw them laughing at me and nudging each other while pointing at me. Have I mentioned that I suck yet? Because I do, we should make that point perfectly clear with this next statement. I couldn't finish the instructional portion of the DVD. Really, you can get up off of the floor and wipe the tears of laughter from your face, because it's just not funny to kick a girl when she's down. It is NOT nice.

I'm sure it had a lot to do with my confidence that I can, say, walk more than a block without passing out. I'm not quite so certain after this. You should all just line up to push me around in a wheelchair because I'll be too fat and too weak to walk soon. Just order the Gigantor-sized chair, I'll grow into it, I promise. And bring me food while you are at it, because all the rooms here have stupid little steps into them and I won't be able to wheel myself around seeing as how my arms will just grow into fat little useless sausages. By the way, I suck, have you heard?

Mr. Banks and the AnnoyinglyThinWomenWithDisgustinglyNiceAbs just finished kicking my ass and I need pity, not laughter. I would like to hunt them all down and kill them, but I can't because all they would have to do is meander away from my general direction and I still wouldn't be able to catch them. I won't be able to because I suck and I'll be on the ground gasping for air and wondering when my lungs became shrunken to the size of lima beans. Now I have to go take a shower, but first I have to try and get this stupid sports bra of death off of my body. Tune in tomorrow for more tales of suckage as I attempt to actually FINISH the easiest part of the video.


Oh yes, I forgot to mention something. For those of you with non-carpeted floors, take note. If you have, say, a blue velour area carpet on the living room floor, it is probably a good idea to maybe roll it up and out of the way. I'm most certain that nobody is home downstairs because if there was, there might have been frantic knocking on the door to ask "who just dropped the metric buttload of anvils on the floor?". Not that I fell or anything, really. I swear. I'm just sayin', that's all. It was all hypothetical, really. Stop looking at me like that! And no, you may NOT question the cats, they lie, lie like little kitty heathens. I don't care what they say, I did NOT fall, really!!!

Posted by rowEn at 11:58 AM | Comments (2256)