September 23, 2000


I started a different entry this morning, one that talked about what a bitch I was when I woke up. No, I didn't do the 'shots' thing last night, had one drink and surfed the web and went to bed. I just woke up with an incredibly horrible headache and my period. Wouldn't YOU be just a touch cranky as well?

WildChild's first soccer game was this morning, and in fact, her team played two games back to back. I'm very happy to report that the Blaze won both of their games! She was on cloud nine when she returned home. She told me all about the games as she ate the pepperoni bread that I'd made while they were gone. Then I corralled her into the bath and laid down on the couch to wait for the Aleve to kick in. John had wisely decided to go wash the truck, I think he was hoping I would be asleep and recovering by the time he got back. He was correct. I'm also very happy to report that I feel much better and human at the moment.

I've discovered a very bad thing. Very. Bad. Thing. Indeed. Sitemeter! I only put the meter on the journal pages. I also pimped the web site on a forum. I think I got 5 hits from it. What I don't understand is how someone can read 5 pages in 47 seconds. *sigh* I need to stop looking at it and just wait for the weekly reports to get mailed to me, otherwise it's completely depressing. I am filled with all kinds of self-doubt on the pimping and letting total strangers come in and read it. I have that dread that my grammar and punctuation are all wrong, that I've got a million spelling errors, that I can't write to save my life, and that nobody really cares what I have to say. Really contradicts the reasons that I started it in the first place. It's too easy to start a journal and tell yourself that you don't care if anyone reads it or likes it and really, FTW, I'm doing it for ME and nobody else. While part of that is true, I AM doing this to keep my brain from rotting in my head, I have to admit that I was inspired by many of the other journals that I read. For a long time, like the past two years or so, my bookmarks for journals numbered less than 7. Today, there are about 25 links that I check on a regular basis. Wondering who the "unknown" person on your site is with the IP that won't resolve at 4am your time? Probably me. As for the inspiration, it was more of a desire to put my thoughts out there and maybe stick with this for awhile, something to go back and read a year from now and compare writing styles. I also wanted to learn HTML again. Back when things were moving from lynx to netscape, I made pages on unix systems with pico. It wasn't that hard, really. I'm sure that some of my early pages were completely unreadable and would most likely be examples on or something. This time around, I whimped and got HomeSite and PhotoShop to start me off. I use the Edit tab on HomeSite, not the Design tab. It may sound funny, but I didn't want to be laughed at for using Publisher 2000 or any other WYSIWYG editor for making my web site. I also wanted to make a personal page for family and friends to see pictures of the family and keep up on news-bits from Korea. Yes, that's why the link to my pages are hidden on the index2 page. I toyed with the idea of putting a password on the whole directory, but decided that it wouldn't be good for traffic, it would annoy people, and more than reading something that I had written, it would piss off my family to no end. But back to the inspiration bit. Many of the journals that I read are written by very creative people. I admire their talents in writing and storytelling. While I have no inspirations as a writer, I do want to improve my own personal writing and have kept personal journals on and off all of my life. Now that I've made it public, I have that nagging little thought in the back of my head that says "they are ALL laughing at you!" The layout is stupid, the clipart you made is cheesy, the writing is so 8th grade and nobody cares that you have some weird obsession with nail polish. (Speaking of which, you just KNOW I'll scan my hand next week when I get my nails done!)

Today I was reading on another forum, ThreeWayAction, about the Diarist Awards and people nominating entries. No, this isn't going there, see me in about 3 years if I'm still doing this. Where this is going is probably someplace depressing. A few of the entries noted were people writing about death of a family member. I cried when I read them. I miss my mom. I completely and utterly miss my brother. I knew when I started this journal it would be something that I wrote about, but not yet. I feel that I'd be jumping on the bandwagon or something, and don't want to feel that way about anything that I write about him. The funny thing is, while I had no reservations about pimping my site on Pamie's forum, I can't bring myself to add the link on ThreeWayAction. I've tried to rationalize it, really I have. I think I'm intimidated. There are three journalists running that forum that I read. On Pamie's, it's just one. I know that normally it's easier to just jump in with both feet and hope for the best. I'm slowly inching my way closer to the circle and stood just close enough to throw my hat in a little ways with the tiny pimp I gave myself. Of course it's made me nervous as hell, and I'm trying not to write this while wondering "what is someone going to think of what you just typed?"

I need to just calm the fuck down and not care, I know. If I can stand in front of a group of strangers and teach them things, I can type to people who's faces I'll probably never meet, right? I'm going to go distract myself with a quick 5 hour game of The Sims. Hopefully by then, the ShDSL will be back up and I can upload this.

Posted by rowEn at 11:55 AM | Comments (2264)