September 20, 2000

Shower Aerobics

Taking a shower here in my apartment is a study in contortion and speed. First, you turn on the shower. Now go make a cup of coffee, have a smoke, surf the web. Return to bathroom to see if hot water has found it's way up 11 flights yet. Usually it hasn't, so return to computer room for second cup of coffee and relax. Try not to fall asleep. Check again, and we'll assume for the sake of brevity that there is in fact hot water now.

You must make sure that you have everything within arms reach and that you can in fact find and identify everything in the shower with your eyes closed. Remove shower head from upper holder on the wall and start to rinse off. While doing this, try not to drop shower head due to the extreme temperature changes that will be taking place in the next 3.5 seconds. Replace shower head in upper holder. It's time to wash your face. Hold the washcloth 1" away from the spray of water in silly attempt to actually get washcloth wet. Decide that a damp washcloth is OK, maybe you can just exfoliate while you wash your face. Proceed to wash face, and with eyes closed, try to find dribble of water from shower head to see if the water is either too hot or too cold to rinse. Try to figure out pattern of hot/cold that is occuring. Find shower head with free hand, drop washcloth. Attempt to not burn/freeze face while rinsing soap off. Rinse eyes again just to be sure. Open eyes and curse water pressure. Wonder if trying to rinse soap out of eyes with water that you aren't even supposed to drink is bad.

Prepare to wash hair. Now, I have LONG hair, almost down to my waist. Attempt to dance around shower's dribble of hot/cold/hot/hot/cold water and attempt to wet hair. Decide that shampoo is kinda wet, maybe this will work. Get some kind of lather going. Take shower head off upper holder and attempt to rinse. Cry because it is making soap dribble down into your eyes. Lean over and try to rinse soap out of underside of hair. Get ears full of water and soap. Wonder if conditioner is as effective if there's a tad bit of shampoo in your hair still. Move shower head down to lower holder so that knees get clean. Put conditioner in hair. Vaguely wonder if pear scented shampoo goes with vanilla soap.

Time to shave! Do the pits first, those are easy. Lather, shave, then either burn/freeze pits since you've completely lost the rhythm of the hot/cold thing happening this morning. Lather one leg while trying to keep it propped up on the 1/2" ledge closest to the wall. Attempt to shave with a razor filled with shaving cream since dribble of water is coming at a slower pace now. Decide that "knees down" is good enough and move on to next leg. Repeat with remaining leg. Stand in shower and wonder how you are supposed to rinse shaving cream off with what seems to be the equivalent of a dollar store water pistol. Try not to have nervous breakdown then and there. Find washcloth that you previously dropped, it is now full of water. Attempt to 'rinse' both legs with what little water you have and the accompanying washcloth. Retrieve shower scrunchy from hanging spot. Sniff to make sure husband hasn't been using it with his icky boy-soap. Lather scrunchy with nummy-smelling girl-soap. Wash body. Turn shower off so that water is coming out of faucet. Rinse scrunchy. Wonder why there are no extreme temperature changes while doing this. Consider your luck changing. Turn shower on again. Try not to rip off shower curtain when stream of water the temperature of which MUST be close to boiling, hits you. Remove shower head and start to rinse body. Wonder if you can get carpal tunnel syndrome from wrist-flicking shower head on/off your body trying not to burn yourself. Fiddle with water temperature on knob. Make as cool as possible but warm enough to stand under. Replace shower head in upper holder. Attempt to rinse conditioner from hair. Try not to slip in tub as you run back and forth between the warm/freezing water. Take shower head and try to rinse underside of hair. Find water pressure return just as your are rinsing the hairline at your forehead. Wonder if inhaling water you aren't supposed to drink is as bad as drinking it. Recover to find water pressure gone again. Rinse top of head again "just to be sure". Turn off water, wrap hair in towel, step out of shower, wrap body in towel, sit on side of tub. Decide you need a nap.

Posted by rowEn at 11:47 AM | Comments (2271)